Pd... It's a beautiful day for the race
Stooge Hand is the favorite today
a**ault is in there
Dog Biscuit is 3 to 1
Safety Pin has been scratched
Ya ya
And at 20 to 1 ... Beetlebomb
Pd... Now the horses are approaching the starting gate
And there they go!!
Pd... And it's Stooge Hand going to the front
Cabbage is second on the rail
Beautiful Linda is third by a length
And ... Beetlebomb
Pd... Around the first turn
Stooge Hand is still in front
Cabbage is second by a head
Cabbage by a head
Beautiful Linda is third
And ... Beetlebomb
Pd... Into the back stretch
Dog Biscuit is now leading the pack
Lady Evelyn is second, very close
Banana is coming up through the bunch
Banana coming up through the bunch
And ... Beetlebomb
Pd... At the half
Stooge Hand still out in front
Apartment House is second with plenty of room
a**ault is passing Battery
a**ault and Battery
Notary Sojac is fourth
And in last place by 10 lengths
I believe it is, yes it is ...
Beetlebomb
Pd... Around the turn heading for home
It's Stooge Hand and Dog Biscuit
And Girdle in the stretch
Flying Sylvester is third
And Mother-In-Law nagging in the rear
Oh oh oh
Pd... And now they come down to the wire
And it's number one
And now number two
And it's very close
There'll need to be a photo finish
Or an oil painting
And now Louis leads with a left
And Louis is in there slugging
And it's a battle
And now they're tearing hair
There's hair all over the ring
There's hair all over the place
I don't know whose hair it is, ah ah
It's mine
Pd... And there goes the winner ...